Licensed Professional Counselor Brookfield

Why do we allow boundary conflicts? One reason is that we did not learn the laws of boundaries in
our family counselor milwaukee of origin. Our adult boundary problems are actually old boundary problems that have
been there since childhood.

The patterns we learned at home continue continue into adulthood:
Lack of consequences for irresponsible behavior
Lack of confrontation
Lack of limits
Taking responsibility for others instead of for you
Giving out of compulsion and resentment
Being passive and secretive
You begin to act out of memory instead of thinking through what makes sense now.
To change and learn new ways of setting boundaries:

1. Identify patterns learned in childhood. Become aware of them and then learn how to change them.
2. Identify what you need that drives the conflict. There are reasons people act in inappropriate ways. Usually, they are trying to meet an underlying need that was not met in their childhood.
3. Face whatever loss you experienced or whatever was missing in your past. Grieve it with help from your support system or find new ways to fulfill your loss as an adult.
4. Practice boundary skills. Begin practicing your skills in small situations where you know you will be respected. This is important since, at first, your changes will be fragile and new.
5. Have a support system to not only encourage you but to provide accountability.
6. As you approach the most difficult situations of boundary violations, have a plan in place on how to deal with the other person’s response. Emotions or feelings have a function. They tell us something.

They are a signal. Anger is an initial reaction to danger or a sign that our boundaries have been violated. It is a sign that we need to move forward and confront the threat.

In the past, anger may have been the only boundary you had to protect and defend yourself from any kind of hurt or harm. However, as you develop better boundaries, you have less need for anger.

“So, don’t get angry. Set a limit.”